Living Behind the Veil

I'm often asked what I wear in Afghanistan and what it's like to wear a veil. It's freedom. Freedom to have a bad hair day, freedom to arrange my chadar to conceal the curve of my breasts and backside, freedom to not be an expatriate for a little while. It means freedom to hide even on the street from the Afghan men's eyes which seem to strip me naked.
When I relax my shoulders and walk less purposefully, less confidently, my eyes downcast and covered by sunglasses, I pass for an Afghan woman. I hear the men whisper in Dari, "Is she a foreigner or local woman?" I chuckle but am silent. On the street, I'm also a free target....freely exposed to groping, sexual innuendos whispered to me as a man bicycles by, free to have stones thrown at me, freely seen as no one's wife, daughter, sister, mother, friend, or boss. I step inside my gate, and remove my chapan and chadar. Now I'm someone's boss, motherhood returns to me as little steps run to greet me, and I receive a kiss from my adoring husband. Now I'm free to his loving and gentle eyes which know and enjoy my curves, free to once again be under the protective umbrella of being a wife, mother, friend, colleague, boss, niece, sister, daughter, woman.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Narcissistic Family System Patterns and the Individual


It's not uncommon on a mission team to experience "the crazy cycle" with an individual and not know or be able to figure out why that person behaves the way they do. But individuals who come from a narcissistic family system can actually become somewhat understandable and predicable in their patterns of relating.

Family system theory was a required class in my Master's degree, and I never forgot its impact on my interpretation of understanding people.

We are not isolated individuals, but a product of our community, our family systems, our personality, and of our relationship with Christ and the difference He has made (and can make) regenerating us. A family system by definition is a deeply engrained pattern of behavior and viewing of others within the family system.

Thus, when we understand something about a narcissistic family system, and discover that person's role within the system, we'll understand more about their conflict style, relational reactivity, and past wounding. 


Family Systems Theory was developed by Dr. Murray Bowen.

He states: (1)
Family systems theory is a theory of human behavior that views the family as an emotional unit and uses systems thinking to describe the complex interactions in the unit. It is the nature of a family that its members are intensely connected emotionally. Often people feel distant or disconnected from their families, but this is more feeling than fact. A change in one person’s functioning is predictably followed by reciprocal changes in the functioning of others. Families differ somewhat in the degree of interdependence, but it is always present to some degree.

Another website summarizes family systems theory this way:
A family is a system in which each member had a role to play and rules to respect. Members of the system are expected to respond to each other in a certain way according to their role, which is determined by relationship agreements. Within the boundaries of the system, patterns develop as certain family member's behavior is caused by and causes other family member's behaviors in predictable ways. Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance in the family system, but also to dysfunction. For example, if a husband is depressive and cannot pull himself together, the wife may need to take up more responsibilities to pick up the slack. The change in roles may maintain the stability in the relationship, but it may also push the family towards a different equilibrium. This new equilibrium may lead to dysfunction as the wife may not be able to maintain this overachieving role over a long period of time.

Dr. Bowen described Eight Significant and Interconnected Aspects to his theory: (2)
  • Triangles: The smallest stable relationship system. Triangles usually have one side in conflict and two sides in harmony, contributing to the development of clinical problems.
  • Differentiation of self: The variance in individuals in their susceptibility to depend on others for acceptance and approval.
  • Nuclear family emotional system: The four relationship patterns that define where problems may develop in a family.
        - Marital conflict
        - Dysfunction in one spouse
        - Impairment of one or more children
        - Emotional distance
  • Family projection process: The transmission of emotional problems from a parent to a child.
  • Multigenerational transmission process: The transmission of small differences in the levels of differentiation between parents and their children. 
  • Emotional cutoff: The act of reducing or cutting off emotional contact with family as a way managing unresolved emotional issues.
  • Sibling position: The impact of sibling position on development and behavior.
  • Societal emotional process: The emotional system governs behavior on a societal level, promoting both progressive and regressive periods in a society.
The differentiation of individuals is concisely described by Peter Scazzero in his book, "Emotionally Health Spirituality: It's Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature While Remaining Emotionally Immature

Differentiation is a wake-up call to those who are just becoming aware of the Narcissistic Family System.  But also of supreme importance is to overlay the dysfunctional roles delineated by Weischeider (1981) with the roles in a narcissistic family environment with Family Systems Theory and ruthlessly examine the negative and dysfunctional patterns in one's life.

The Enneagram is a very helpful tool to become aware of this - after you've worked through books like Scazzeros and "Emotional Intelligence 2.0" by Travis Bradberry. The entire process should not be hurried, as it takes time to understand all these concepts and become watchful of one's emotions (or lack of them, which is also a problem).

In an Age of Narcissism, (3) increasingly the Narcissistic Family System is the norm rather than the exception.  When the system is found within a religious family system (any religion), the unspoken rules and values governing acceptable behavior are even more complex.

The book by Anisha Durve discusses the impact of Hinduism on her experience of a narcissistic marriage she was finally able to get free from. She also discusses the impact of culture and unspoken religious rules on behavior (termed Religious Behaviorism.)"

So while the family system has a huge impact on how an individual will relate to others, it's important to also apply this information to a narcissist operating within a ministry or missions team situation.



(1) https://thebowencenter.org/theory/
(2) https://www.genopro.com/genogram/family-systems-theory/
(3) The Rise of Narcissism; Generation Me;
The Narcissism Epidemic

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