Living Behind the Veil

I'm often asked what I wear in Afghanistan and what it's like to wear a veil. It's freedom. Freedom to have a bad hair day, freedom to arrange my chadar to conceal the curve of my breasts and backside, freedom to not be an expatriate for a little while. It means freedom to hide even on the street from the Afghan men's eyes which seem to strip me naked.
When I relax my shoulders and walk less purposefully, less confidently, my eyes downcast and covered by sunglasses, I pass for an Afghan woman. I hear the men whisper in Dari, "Is she a foreigner or local woman?" I chuckle but am silent. On the street, I'm also a free target....freely exposed to groping, sexual innuendos whispered to me as a man bicycles by, free to have stones thrown at me, freely seen as no one's wife, daughter, sister, mother, friend, or boss. I step inside my gate, and remove my chapan and chadar. Now I'm someone's boss, motherhood returns to me as little steps run to greet me, and I receive a kiss from my adoring husband. Now I'm free to his loving and gentle eyes which know and enjoy my curves, free to once again be under the protective umbrella of being a wife, mother, friend, colleague, boss, niece, sister, daughter, woman.

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Healing Life's Hurts Part 1


Any experience and any painful memory may be taken two ways: a blessing for growth or a curse that cripples. Our faith history can be framed this way because the painful memories can be used for His glory.

When we imaginatively take our Lord by the hand and look at past hurts through the light of His view, looking for His presence and heart in that past experience, we begin the path of healing.  When we understand Christ's feelings about our situation not just what He thinks from the Truth of His Word, we are moving along the path of the five stages of forgiveness and healing.

It's helpful to realize that emotional and mental healing from past hurts has inherent rules that are present even if not recognized.

Five Rules

1. In healing past hurts, we deal with emotional wounds that heal in stages much like physical wounds.

2. Healing must go through the 5 stages of healing: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

3. We will find ourselves not only moving from stage to stage but penetrating each stage at greater depth until we begin seeing the moment as God does.

4. Four emotions tend to be at the core of most emotional instability in our lives: anxiety, fear, anger and guilt.

5. In pastoral care, appropriate use must be made not only of theological principles but also of the findings of secular sciences such as psychology and behaviorism. This is how the faithful can be brought to live the abundant Christian life in a more thorough and mature way.

The 5 Stages of Healing past wounds are similar to the 5 stages of dying:

STAGES                IN DYING

Denial              I don't ever admit I will die.
Anger               I blame others for letting death hurt and destroy me.
Bargaining       I set up conditions to be fulfilled before I'm ready to die.
Depression       I blame myself for letting death destroy me.
Acceptance      I look forward to dying.

STAGES          IN HEALING PAST HURT

Denial               I don't admit I was ever hurt.
Anger                I blame others for hurting and destroying me.
Bargaining        I set up conditions to be fulfilled before I'm ready to forgive.
Depression        I blame myself for letting hurt destroy me.
Acceptance       I look forward to growth from hurt.

How do we know we are healed from past hurt?

We are healed when we can say not "That's O.K." but "I forgive you for hurting me because it brought so much growth that I'm grateful it happened."

While the Holy Spirit can heal immediately or use short-cuts to healing, healing usually takes time, reflection, dialogue, prayer, and the help of others.

 Go to Healing Life's Hurts Part 2

Excerpted from Matthew and Dennis Linn "Healing Life's Hurts"