Christmas in Minnesota

Walking up the stairs, I counted how many homes I've "done Christmas" in since marrying Neal.

Nine. 

That means Christmas 2017 will be the tenth home in 18 years of marriage I've had to figure out how to do Christmas for a family.

There's a typical pattern:

• The first year in a new home is hardest as you have to figure out where all the decorations should go. 
• The 2nd year you refine a little but at least the nail holes are there. 
• By the 3rd year, (if there is a 3rd year in the same home), Christmas can go up quite easily and with less time, energy, and money. 

Today I got out my 2 small Christmas boxes I hauled home from Turkey to see what I have for decorations.  Certain Christmas decorations and the handstitched Christmas stockings made by Grandma have always been on our "evacuation list" for the past 2 decades if we were allowed to take more than 2 kilos with us.

Over the years we've collected decorations as a family from numerous Asian and European countries.  Our family Christmas tree is always filled with items from around the world.  Every Christmas, we have the kids pick out a new Christmas ornament, so that when they are finally ready to have their own Christmas tree, they will have meaningful ornaments, and not have to run out to Walmart.

As I unpack, I am happy to see the Estonian and Israeli Olive wood Nativity sets, but I am reminded the handmade Black Nativity from West Africa caught on fire last year.  It was made of cloth, and when the candle next to the African Nativity set burnt so low it started the plastic candle wreath on fire, and jumped over and touched Joseph's staff.Within a minute there were 4 foot tall flames as our hall table decorations began to burn!

Thankfully, the kids saw the fire and smelled smoke. Neal used the fire extinguisher to put it out.  What a mess to clean and repaint our freshly painted front hallway in our apartment in Turkey.   So sad to not have the nativity - the kids also love being reminded that Jesus was not a white anglo-saxon Protestant (WASP).

When Sue, a friend in West Africa, heard about the fire, she sent a black, hand-carved onyx nativity set to replace the cloth one. (Staying in the missionary life has the fabulous perk that eventually we have friends all over the world!)

This year we get to hang our stockings above a "real" fireplace (we installed a fireplace surround with an electric fireplace) instead of hanging them above the computer screen fireplace.

Christmas will be simpler this year, but at least our little family will soon be together for 3 weeks when our oldest (Luke) returns from his overseas schooling.

And we are thankful. For over 15 years, we've lived in countries where terrorism, unrest, and militarized cultures dominate.  We were always aware we were living in a political climate not unlike what Jesus was born into.

But this year, we get a little break, even though He didn't.  We don't live in an area where terrorists threaten. We have food, warmth, and no bombs going off or military helicopters flying overhead.  I haven't heard a single gunshot since arriving in the USA. It's a lovely treat being in a Western nation where we see Christmas decorations and hear Christmas music publically. We didn't mind missing all the commercialization all those years in Islamic cultures where Christmas is ignored, but I admit that I'm enjoying all the Christmas lights here this year.

Jesus is the reason we do what we do.  

It will be nice to make family Christmas memories in a new home. 

Christmas in Minnesota is a luxury.

Narcissistic Family Systems and Christmas Time

PDF Downloadable Version

In the holiday time or when there are major family events, when there is a narcissist in the family, it may be challenging to navigate family functions and respond differently than familiar narcissistic patterns. 

Sears, in his youtube videos, refers to “patheticism” which he defines as the enabling pattern of response a victim of a narcissist has learned. He doesn’t mean in in terms of being pathetic, but in terms of not having the strength to have different boundaries and respond in a non-enabling way together.  

It’s not easy to make a change in how you respond and what changes you do make may impact other relationships within the family.  When you draw different boundaries in how you will respond and what you will allow, the change of “status quo” can be uncomfortable in the family and even cause additional pain. Christian families may have patterns of over-spiritualization.  

“Why can’t you just love this person and accept them?”

Family systems that have developed, produced, and tolerated narcissists and their behaviors often reflect several or more of six common characteristics.

1. Assumptions are made. It's important to remember that narcissists do not operate by the same rules of logic, nor do they ever interpret reality the same way as everyone else. The narcissist is usually the "loudest voice," so his or her version of reality and what others are like is what is often accepted.
2. Questions are not asked.  The "other side of the story" is not sought out.  It's no use defending or explaining yourself, because of #1. 
3. The one trying to break free of the Narcissistic Cycle are often not defended by others in the family. 
4. Fear, Pride, and Guilt are present. Our spiritual enemy usually works in a spiritual "gang". We all have core fears we try to cover in some way. In the case of narcissism, it is not uncommon for fear, pride, and guilt to be working together. Pay attention to when you feel those 3, and that is your place to learn new and different response patterns.  Submit to the Holy Spirit and ask for His help in breaking these tendencies in your life. Consider the possibility that narcissisism in a family system may be a spiritual stronghold. 
5. Peacefaking – Peacefaking is when people pretend everything is relationally okay, but there really isn’t true peace, true acceptance, true understanding characterizing relationships. Disagreeing with the narcissist often results in conflict, so people develop coping mechanisms to keep the peace between the narcissist and themselves. A helpful question to discern is what is peacefaking and what is a healthy coping mechanism in a challenging situation? Learn when you have been peacefaking and when you are responding in an appropriate manner that characterizes healthy relationships.
6. Judgmentalism and misunderstanding. Because questions are not asked and assumptions are made, than a right expectation of this family system is being misunderstood and judged is not uncommon.

If some of this is true for your situation, then you may be wondering how to best survive and possibly enjoy a holiday like Christmas with family? Here are some suggestions to consider:

1. Have low expectations and be thrilled if all goes pleasantly. 
2. Stay in the kitchen helping out, unless of course the narcissist is in the kitchen. Then go "check on the kids." 
3. Keep the conversation on the surface, (think through topics to talk about ahead of time) and work hard at listening and drawing others out.  You may be amazed at how enjoyable this is. In the security world, we call this, "Staying in the box."  Only what you deem is "safe" is what gets repeated. Do not let yourself talk about things that are out of the box - things that make you more vulnerable to misunderstanding. 
4. Learn skills to re-direct the conversation topics (away from yourself). 
5. Take bathroom breaks when necessary to pray, re-frame, and breathe slowly so you can emerge with a soft gentleness to try to reach out lovingly to others. 
6. Pray spiritual blessings under your breath on each person as you talk with them, even if you are talking with the narcissist. 
7. Reject any guilt, unless you know that you know it is conviction from the Holy Spirit. Otherwise, reject all guilt messages from the evening - the ones that come internally and externally. 
8. Pay attention and REMEMBER things that are said that cause a reaction within you.  Later, when you have time to reflect over the evening, ask God to help you understand what your reaction was about, what pain did that situation bring out in you. That is the beginning place of healing. 
9. When/If you feel reactions rising inside of you, remember - it's the holidays.  STOP.  Be a peacemaker, not a peacefaker, but try to disengage from the conversation and the person and try to keep the time with family positive, especially for the kids. Conflict resolution is for a later, private time. (although it rarely works with a narcissist, even one with the Holy Spirit inside of them). 
10. Enjoy the time but don't let your guard down. Put a smile on your face, be fun and funny with all, and view the people in your life as folks God loves and sent His Son to die for.  
11. PLAN AND CELEBRATE: Plan your schedule so you have time to SLEEP after the family event, because this whole thing takes a lot of energy. Be gracious with your own self, and celebrate after you leave if you did well during the family holiday celebration (even if you receive backlash from one of them afterwards...it doesn't matter - if you know you glorified the Lord and did the best you could, then celebrate it and don't let the enemy - or your family - rob you of that joy). 

It's common when the holidays are approaching for you, as the recovering "victim and enabler" of narcissisism in your family to be tense and stressed. Try hard to not take your stress out on your own family and relationships. When/if you do, repent, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. 

Breaking the sin cycle of narcissism in a family system is not easy, but it can be done...in your life, your marriage, and your children. It will take time.

PDF Downloadable Version

Go to Narcissistic Resources Page

When I Am An Old Woman...

I know I can be too serious, so I thought it time to let you know the poem I have kept in my life for over 25 years and now keep in my laundry room as a reminder to myself that someday my work will be done and I will get to sit in my rocking chair and not have to read regular security reports of terrorist threats around the world and formulate Deep Thoughts about Theology of Risk. 

When I Am Old

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me, And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter. I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired, And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells, And run my stick along the public railings, And make up for the sobriety of my youth. I shall go out in my slippers in the rain And pick the flowers in other people's gardens, And learn to spit. You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat, And eat three pounds of sausages at a go, Or only bread and pickle for a week, And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats and things in boxes. But now we must have clothes that keep us dry, And pay our rent and not swear in the street, And set a good example for the children. We will have friends to dinner and read the papers. But maybe I ought to practise a little now? So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised, When suddenly I am old and start to wear purple!  Jenny Joseph

Anna's New Video & Audio Teaching With Monologue!

Recently I spoke at the Carmel Baptist Church in Matthew, North Carolina. They have a fabulous "Evening of Empowerment" where there is encouragement, testimonies, and teaching, and then the ladies get to buy wonderful jewelry, coffee, and leather and woven goods from farflung places, helping women working to get out of poverty.

It was such a joy to be with those women and hear the hearts of the women leaders, really wanting their women to be challenged to live "beyond their South Charlotte lives" (apparently, that's a phrase used down there quite a bit). 

The first 5 minutes of my teaching time, I did the "Afghan Women Monologue."  I have performed this for thousands of people, showing more insight into the lives of Afghan women. During the monologue, I have 4 costume changes! As usual, women were moved to tears as they heard stories of real women who have chosen to follow Isa Masih.

My teaching was "You Only See What You Hear" from Isaiah 58:10 - a very difficult passage and message to deliver.

For audio: Audio NOT available at present- only a high quality video

For Video: If you would like to see the monologue and my beautiful Jordanian jacket I wore while teaching, contact me (and tell me who you are so I know you aren't a terrorist and then I'll send you the video link.

Power Point: You Only See What You Hear Power Point
(It's better on the Video, where you can plainly see my slides). 

Faith Under Fire

One Sunday in 2017, Neal and I each gave the same sermon title, "Faith Under Fire."  The sermon was based on Exodus 17: 7-16.

We spoke at different venues on the same morning, and if you'd like to hear the differences between our teaching style, listen to both sermons here! :)

• Anna's Teaching "Faith Under Fire"

• Neal's Teaching "Faith Under Fire"

• Faith Under Fire Power Point

Kitty Anxiety and Trauma Bonding

We got a tiny kitty on this home leave. Her name is Çağrı (Ch-ah-rih), Turkish for Invitation, or maybe more accurately "Welcome." (You can't correctly pronounce the undotted "i" unless you put your teeth together to try to say it.)  We named her this because it is the name of the last home we had - the Çağrı Apartment building in Çığdem, Ankara, Turkey. 

My kitty has anxiety.

Every time we return home from one of our weekend car trips visiting supporters, Çağrı greets us fairly warmly, running across the tops of all the sofas and chairs in the living room, biting and demanding we play with her the first 10 minutes we are home. She is a very social kitty, following me all over the house throughout the day, not ever wanting to be in a room by herself. I've never seen a kitty like her. 

My dear daughter has anxiety. 

She was a stressed baby because we had to evacuate out of Peshawar at 9/11, when I was 4-months pregnant with her. My mom almost died that week due to cancer, and was rushed to the Mayo Clinic...the same week.  We had 36 hours to pack up our apartment and fly to Germany, and by the end of the week, I was bleeding from the stress.

Dear Daughter came 1 week early, at 2.2 kilos. She has had anxiety ever since she was born, and has been working valiantly to fight her way through it on numerous occasions and in numerous situations as a TCK.  I'm so proud of her.

Twice now upon returning home, Çağrı goes and pees on Dear Daughter's bed. Çağrı's done this twice to the bed, right after I've returned home, longing to sit in my paisley red chair and put my feet up and use my chair back massager and drink a glass of red wine. (Yes, the kitty litter box has been clean enough).

Instead, I'm washing all of Dear Daughter's bedding, including her down comforter. Again. 

Dear Daughter complains loudly, "I hate the cat, I hate the cat. Why does she do this to me!!??!!!*#&#

She goes to Google and researches, "Why does my cat pee on my bed?"  And here is what she reads:

Some cats urinate on their owners’ beds if the owners work long hours or travel. Sometimes the inappropriate episodes occur either when an owner is out of the house or out of town, or the cat may wait until the owner returns home. It is a cat's way of communicating how unhappy or stressed he has been over your absence(1)

Now Dear Daughter proclaims, "I love my cat, I love my cat, I love my cat. She loves and misses me."  

Isn't God good to give my anxious daughter an anxious cat so they can love each other in yet another transition? (We are getting through the 20th move in 18 years and 5th Country Home set up, and Dear Daughter is adjusting to American public highschool for the first time.)

(1) http://www.vetstreet.com/our-pet-experts/why-does-my-cat-pee-on-my-bed