Narcissistic Family Systems and Christmas Time

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In the holiday time or when there are major family events, when there is a narcissist in the family, it may be challenging to navigate family functions and respond differently than familiar narcissistic patterns. 

Sears, in his youtube videos, refers to “patheticism” which he defines as the enabling pattern of response a victim of a narcissist has learned. He doesn’t mean in in terms of being pathetic, but in terms of not having the strength to have different boundaries and respond in a non-enabling way together.  

It’s not easy to make a change in how you respond and what changes you do make may impact other relationships within the family.  When you draw different boundaries in how you will respond and what you will allow, the change of “status quo” can be uncomfortable in the family and even cause additional pain. Christian families may have patterns of over-spiritualization.  

“Why can’t you just love this person and accept them?”

Family systems that have developed, produced, and tolerated narcissists and their behaviors often reflect several or more of six common characteristics.

1. Assumptions are made. It's important to remember that narcissists do not operate by the same rules of logic, nor do they ever interpret reality the same way as everyone else. The narcissist is usually the "loudest voice," so his or her version of reality and what others are like is what is often accepted.
2. Questions are not asked.  The "other side of the story" is not sought out.  It's no use defending or explaining yourself, because of #1. 
3. The one trying to break free of the Narcissistic Cycle are often not defended by others in the family. 
4. Fear, Pride, and Guilt are present. Our spiritual enemy usually works in a spiritual "gang". We all have core fears we try to cover in some way. In the case of narcissism, it is not uncommon for fear, pride, and guilt to be working together. Pay attention to when you feel those 3, and that is your place to learn new and different response patterns.  Submit to the Holy Spirit and ask for His help in breaking these tendencies in your life. Consider the possibility that narcissisism in a family system may be a spiritual stronghold. 
5. Peacefaking – Peacefaking is when people pretend everything is relationally okay, but there really isn’t true peace, true acceptance, true understanding characterizing relationships. Disagreeing with the narcissist often results in conflict, so people develop coping mechanisms to keep the peace between the narcissist and themselves. A helpful question to discern is what is peacefaking and what is a healthy coping mechanism in a challenging situation? Learn when you have been peacefaking and when you are responding in an appropriate manner that characterizes healthy relationships.
6. Judgmentalism and misunderstanding. Because questions are not asked and assumptions are made, than a right expectation of this family system is being misunderstood and judged is not uncommon.

If some of this is true for your situation, then you may be wondering how to best survive and possibly enjoy a holiday like Christmas with family? Here are some suggestions to consider:

1. Have low expectations and be thrilled if all goes pleasantly. 
2. Stay in the kitchen helping out, unless of course the narcissist is in the kitchen. Then go "check on the kids." 
3. Keep the conversation on the surface, (think through topics to talk about ahead of time) and work hard at listening and drawing others out.  You may be amazed at how enjoyable this is. In the security world, we call this, "Staying in the box."  Only what you deem is "safe" is what gets repeated. Do not let yourself talk about things that are out of the box - things that make you more vulnerable to misunderstanding. 
4. Learn skills to re-direct the conversation topics (away from yourself). 
5. Take bathroom breaks when necessary to pray, re-frame, and breathe slowly so you can emerge with a soft gentleness to try to reach out lovingly to others. 
6. Pray spiritual blessings under your breath on each person as you talk with them, even if you are talking with the narcissist. 
7. Reject any guilt, unless you know that you know it is conviction from the Holy Spirit. Otherwise, reject all guilt messages from the evening - the ones that come internally and externally. 
8. Pay attention and REMEMBER things that are said that cause a reaction within you.  Later, when you have time to reflect over the evening, ask God to help you understand what your reaction was about, what pain did that situation bring out in you. That is the beginning place of healing. 
9. When/If you feel reactions rising inside of you, remember - it's the holidays.  STOP.  Be a peacemaker, not a peacefaker, but try to disengage from the conversation and the person and try to keep the time with family positive, especially for the kids. Conflict resolution is for a later, private time. (although it rarely works with a narcissist, even one with the Holy Spirit inside of them). 
10. Enjoy the time but don't let your guard down. Put a smile on your face, be fun and funny with all, and view the people in your life as folks God loves and sent His Son to die for.  
11. PLAN AND CELEBRATE: Plan your schedule so you have time to SLEEP after the family event, because this whole thing takes a lot of energy. Be gracious with your own self, and celebrate after you leave if you did well during the family holiday celebration (even if you receive backlash from one of them afterwards...it doesn't matter - if you know you glorified the Lord and did the best you could, then celebrate it and don't let the enemy - or your family - rob you of that joy). 

It's common when the holidays are approaching for you, as the recovering "victim and enabler" of narcissisism in your family to be tense and stressed. Try hard to not take your stress out on your own family and relationships. When/if you do, repent, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. 

Breaking the sin cycle of narcissism in a family system is not easy, but it can be done...in your life, your marriage, and your children. It will take time.

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