Caught Up in History: The Week of Death and Fear Part 2

Tuesday morning, September 11, 2001, Peshawar, Pakistan
I immediately checked email upon waking. "Mom could die and was in surgery," the email shared. She had cancer of the lungs and they were going to remove one portion of her lungs and then decide what was next. I waited anxiously for more news, and asked to speak with her. My brother called from her bedside so I could hear her voice one more time, not knowing if it was my last. She was coherent and I thanked the Lord I could hear her alto voice one more time.


Tuesday, 5pm, September 11, 2001, Peshawar, Pakistan

News of Thousands More Dead

It was the team meeting night, and our habit each week was to gather for a meal and then have our team meeting. At that time, our team consisted of twelve adults and 6 children, with our Luke being the youngest. We headed to our team leader's house, where he had satellite television tuned in to the international news channel, and we watched re-runs of the 1st plane hitting the Twin Tower.

To our horror, we saw the live view of the 2nd plane hitting the tower.  It was impossible to get my mind around what I was seeing.  Dr. Woodberry, a world expert on Folk Islam and well connected, as well as our team leader both began calling our Pakistani colleagues who informed us this was the work of Osama Bin Laden. The men were told to escort their families home and then report to the office. We were told to stay off the streets and only drive for work related errands. All foreigners in Peshawar went into immediate lock-down, travel only for necessary work.

We went home that night by 6 or 6:30pm I think, after praying together as a team, and I immediately began looking through our cupboards and taking inventory what was in our apartment. I tried to call my brother's cell phone, using my cell phone and our landline, but the entire phone system, both landline and cell, for the whole country of Pakistan had crashed. I knew immediately - Pakistanis were all also calling America trying to reach their loved ones in the Twin Towers.

Pakistanis seemed to sense that they would need to stop traveling and trying to reach the US or other places, perhaps fear for their own safety or being profiled? The airline seats began opening up Tuesday night Pakistan time, and the foreigners in Peshawar began to find seats on airplanes available to get out of Peshawar to get somewhere, anywhere else. The airplanes, booked for weeks in advance, all of a sudden were flying empty.

After a few hours at the office that night, Neal came home, but at 10:30 pm he received a call requesting he report to the senior commanding military officer at the Peshawar airport. Why was he being asked for at such a late hour? We hugged each other goodbye, not knowing if he was going to be jailed, or what was going to happen. Were we targets here? We were filled with so many questions and fear.

The streets no longer looked like the same busy and happy Pakistani streets. The sounds were the same, but now they sounded sinister. "Who exactly are we at war with?"  "Is this the beginning of WW3?"

He showed up with another American colleague, and entered a room filled with Pakistani military officers. To Neal's shocked surprise, the Pakistani commander proceeded to express with tears in his eyes his sorrow over what had happened to so many American civilians. He said these events were  the work of cowards, the killing of non-combatants. He pledged his loyalty to protect the project work we were involved in, and that our resources would be treated as if they were belonging to Pakistan. A guard was posted over our resources until we could return.

When Neal returned home that evening to our apartment, we wept at such unexpected kindness, in the midst of espionage charges by the Pakistani ISI.  We tried to make sense of all the different branches of government and the alignment of factions of different powers.

While Neal was away, I was dismayed with myself for allowing my cupboards to get so messy and out of control. What items exactly did I have to lose?  I vowed to never again lose control over the stuff in my house and to live more simply in the future.  It was ridiculous what was in the closets. It was not the way I wanted to live or be remembered.  In the meantime, I had to figure out what to pack, based on how much we'd be allowed to take out of country, assuming that we'd never see our home again. I didn't have time and energy to clean and organize, I only had time to pick through as fast as possible, not knowing when or if we'd have to flee, not knowing when an airplane seat would open up.

While our baby, Luke, slept, and the clock crept towards 1am, I tried valiantly not to worry about what was happening to Neal. I was 4 months pregnant with our 2nd, a daughter, but I dragged blue packs into the hallway and began carrying and sorting items into "must go," "I'd really like it to go," and "what a luxury if we can take this" piles. They also had to be organized into "5 kilo", "20 kilo" piles, because I had to wait to find out how many kilos we'd be allowed to take with us.

When he returned and told me the story of what happened and what the commander said to him, we thanked God for good and kind people still in the world and went to sleep, knowing Wednesday would be a long day.  The rest of the packing would have to wait until we got more information, but we'd have to be ready to move fast.

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Part 1
Part 3 To be continued.

Caught Up in History: The Week of Death and Fear Part 1

The week started like any other week that summer, hot and a full schedule of hospitality and serving ahead.

Sunday, September 9, 2001, Peshawar, Pakistan

We had our Sabbath worship, and played with our baby (Luke), and rested as we enjoyed our garden and iced frappuccinos. That Sunday night, the Afghan and Pakistan news headlines lit up with the announcement that Ahmad Shah Massoud, the leader of the northern alliance coalition, the main resistant group to the Taliban, had been assassinated. Two men had been given the permission to interview him, but they were Taliban disguised as journalists who had a bomb hidden in their camera. Later we learned they weren't Taliban, but al-Qaeda.

We all felt the impact of his death, as another hope among Afghans died along with Massoud.


I reflected on what a crazy summer it had been. The 110F heat had impacted me especially hard, because I was pregnant with our 2nd, and felt nauseated all the time. Things had been getting really difficult in Afghanistan and in Peshawar all summer, and even the Dari language students had been asked to finish school a chapter early and get out.

One day that summer I had been verbally accosted by a conservative looking man who had a fully veiled woman standing next to him. He spoke a language I didn't understand, (we knew Dari, but he wasn't speaking the local Urdu but something else). Even so, he made it clear that despite my long skirt, my head and arms were not covered and thus I was inappropriately dressed. I looked at him wide-eyed, but at the time, we had no idea that we were living in Taliban recruiting headquarters. We knew the history of the British Durand line and what it did to the Pashtun tribal areas, but we didn't understand on Sunday, Sept 9, 2001 the connections to al-Qaeda and the Pakistani ISI (intelligence agency). We could just feel the changes, and they weren't good.

Many of my friends working in Kabul and surrounding areas had been encouraged to take early vacations and home assignment, so much that the Peshawar guest houses were full, and we were constantly being asked to take another worker into our home - there simply were not enough (cheap) beds available for workers, and the flights were overbooked - almost no one could find a seat out of Peshawar.

Then in August, our own company had our work shut down and been accused by ISI of clandestine activities, so our guys were sitting around with not much to do in between appealing the decision to the ISI and trying to figure out where the crazy accusation had come from. Neal went to the office everyday to organize papers, but it was quite boring.

A few weeks earlier, friends in Kabul had been caught showing the Jesus film and put in jail in August, and finally Mullah Omar decreed that foreigners had 24 hours to get out of Afghanistan or be jailed along with the 8. Our colleagues had to plead for more time - it wasn't possible to get folks from the Hazarajat and other really remote areas out that fast. They needed at least 72 hours. He relented, and the race was on.

Vans were hastily loaded up as almost all the foreigners with the exception of just a few managed to stay, depending upon who their visas were with. I remember something about a cat that got itself loaded into a van and forgotten about for 12 hours on the bumpy ride from Kabul, through the Khyber Pass, and out to Peshawar. Poor thing must have been frightened to death. Everyone was surprised when they saw a dusty old cat come out of the van behind them when they finally unloaded in Peshawar.

Just a few folks were able to "stay under the radar" and stay in-country.  It looked...and felt like the end of an era, and we all knew we were losing the valuables in our offices and homes in Afghanistan, along with the blood, sweat, and tears poured into these projects.  We wept, as we also knew the needless suffering going on, and so many Afghan friends no longer had salary to feed their children because we weren't there.

Dr. Dudley Woodberry had recently flown to Peshawar to be with the 100+ of us to help us grieve the loss of our work and homes in Afghanistan. He conducted a memorial service, and helped us forgive as a community those we needed to forgive.

So by Sunday night, we knew things were changing, the changes weren't looking hopeful, and today's death of Massoud made it all even more hopeless and worse.

Monday, September 10, 2001 Peshawar, Pakistan
The news of death continued.  I received an email Monday morning that my mom was being rushed to the Mayo Hospital in Rochester, MN. She may die, they said. She'd been visiting her doctor, because she was her doctor's lawyer, and she needed the doctor to sign some papers. While there, she began to have breathing problems, and her doctor evaluated her and said she had 70% blockage in her lungs.

I waited anxiously to hear what would happen at Mayo with mom.  Could the week get any worse, I wondered?

To be continued.

Humility Part 4 of 4

The fourth part of a confessional from a Russian brother writing in the 1800's. All four parts available in a Word document here.

4. I am full of pride and sensual self love.

All my actions confirm this. Seeing something good in myself, I want to bring it into view, or to pride myself upon it before other people or inwardly to admire myself for it. Although I display an outward humility, yet I ascribe it all to my own strength and regard myself as superior to others, or at least no worse than they.

If I notice a fault in myself, I try to excuse it; I cover it up by saying, “I am made like that” or “I am not to blame.” I get angry with those who do not treat me with respect and consider them unable to appreciate the value of people. I brag about my gifts: my failures in any undertaking I regard as a personal insult. I murmur, and I find pleasure in the unhappiness of my enemies.

If I strive after anything good, it is for the purpose of winning praise, or spiritual self-indulgence, or earthly consolation. In a word, I continually make an idol of myself and render it uninterrupted service, seeking in all things the pleasures of the senses and nourishment for my sensual passions and lusts. Going over all this I see myself as proud, adulterous, unbelieving, without love for God and hating my neighbor.

What state could be more sinful?

The condition of the spirits of darkness is better than mine. They, although they do not love God, hate men, and live upon pride, yet at least believe and tremble. But I? Can there be a doom more terrible than that which faces me, and what sentence of punishment will be more severe than that upon the careless and foolish life that I recognize in myself?

The cause of not loving God is want of belief, 

want of belief is caused by lack of conviction, 

and the cause of that is failure to seek for holy and true knowledge, 

indifference to the light of the Spirit. 

If you don’t believe, you can’t love; 

if you are not convinced, 

you can’t believe, 

and in order to reach conviction you must get a full and exact knowledge of the matter before you. 

By meditation, by the study of God’s Word, and by noting your experience, you must arouse in your soul a thirst and a longing – a wonder, which brings insatiable desire to know things more fully. 

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Part 1

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Part 3

Humility Part 3 of 4

A confessional to pray - from a 19th C Russian brother. 

#3 I have no religious belief...

...Neither in immortality nor in the Gospel. If I were firmly persuaded and believed without doubt that beyond the grave lies eternal life and recompense for the deeds of this life, I should be continually thinking of this. The very idea of immortality would terrify me and I should lead this life as a foreigner who gets ready to enter his native land. 

On the contrary, I do not even think about eternity, and I regard the end of this earthly life as the limit of my existence. The secret thought nestles within me: Who knows what happens at death? If I say I believe in immortality, then I am speaking about my mind only, and my heart is far removed from a firm conviction about it. That is openly witnessed to by my conduct and my constant care to satisfy the life of the senses. 

Were the holy gospel taken into my heart in faith, as the Word of God, I should be continually occupied with it, I should study it, find delight in it, and with deep devotion fix my attention upon it. Wisdom, mercy, and love are hidden in it; it would lead me to happiness, I should find gladness in the study of the law of God day and night.

In it I should find nourishment like my daily bread, and my heart would be drawn to the keeping of its laws. Nothing on earth would be strong enough to turn me away from it. On the contrary, if now and again I read or hear the Word of God, yet even so it is only from necessity or from a general love of knowledge, and approaching it without any very close attention I find it dull and uninteresting. I usually come to the end of the reading without any profit, only too ready to change over to secular reading in which I take more pleasure and find new and interesting subjects. 

Matthew 12:36   “But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment.

Romans 2:16  on the day when, according to my gospel, God will judge the secrets of men through Christ Jesus.

Romans 13:12  The night is almost gone, and the day is near. Therefore let us lay aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.

Ephesians 4:30   Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

Philippians 1:6    For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Philippians 1:10  so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ;

Philippians 2:16  holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain.

1 Thessalonians 5:2  For you yourselves know full well that the day of the Lord will come just like a thief in the night.

1 Thessalonians 5:4  But you, brethren, are not in darkness, that the day would overtake you like a thief;

1 Thessalonians 5:8  But since we are of the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation.

Hebrews 10:25   not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

2 Peter 1:19     So we have the prophetic word made more sure, to which you do well to pay attention as to a lamp shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star arises in your hearts.

2 Peter 3:7      But by His word the present heavens and earth are being reserved for fire, kept for the day of judgment and destruction of ungodly men.

2 Peter 3:10     But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, in which the heavens will pass away with a roar and the elements will be destroyed with intense heat, and the earth and its works will be burned up.

2 Peter 3:12    looking for and hastening the coming of the day of God, because of which the heavens will be destroyed by burning, and the elements will melt with intense heat!

1 John 4:17    By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world.

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Humility Part 2 of 4

A confessional before God, from an 19th C Russian brother. 

#2 I do not love my neighbor, either.

For not only am I unable to make up my mind to lay down my life for his sake (according to the Gospel), but I do not even sacrifice my happiness, well-being, and peace for the good of my neighbor. If I did love him as myself, as the Gospel bids, his misfortunes would distress me also, his happiness would bring delight to me, too.

But on the contrary, I listen to curious, unhappy stories about my neighbor and I am not distressed; I remain quite undisturbed or, what is still worse, I find a sort of pleasure in them. Bad conduct on the part of my brother I do not cover up with love, but proclaim abroad with censure. His well-being, honor, and happiness do not delight me as my own, and, as if they were something quite alien to me, give me no feeling of gladness. What is more, they subtly arouse in me feelings of envy or contempt.

Matthew 22:36-40 (NASB)

³⁶ “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 

³⁷ And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’  

³⁸ This is the great and foremost commandment.  

³⁹ The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ 

⁴⁰ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”

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Humility Part 1 of 4

I'm sharing a confessional I keep in my Bible to read and pray through on a regular basis. It comes from a Russian saint of the 1800's.

1. I do not love God. 

For if I loved God, I should be continually thinking about Him with heartfelt joy. Every thought of God would give me gladness and delight. On the contrary, I much more often and much more eagerly think about earthly things, and thinking about God is labor and dryness. If I loved God, then talking with Him in prayer would be my nourishment and delight and would draw me to unbroken communion with Him. But, on the contrary, I not only find no delight in prayer, but even find it an effort. I struggle with reluctance, I am enfeebled by sloth and am ready to occupy myself eagerly with any unimportant trifle, if only it shortens prayer and keeps me from it. My time slips away unnoticed in futile occupations, but when I am occupied with God, when I put myself into His presence, every hour seems like a year.

If one person loves another, he thinks of him throughout the day without ceasing, he pictures him to himself, he cares for him, and in all circumstances his beloved friend is never out of his thoughts. But, throughout the days, scarcely set aside even a single hour in which to sink deep down into meditation upon God, to inflame my heart with love of Him, while I eagerly give up twenty-three hours as fervent offerings to the idols of my passions. I am forward in talk about frivolous matters and things which degrade the spirit; that gives me pleasure. But in the consideration of God I am dry, bored, and lazy. Even if I am unwillingly drawn by others into spiritual conversation, I try to shift the subject quickly to one which pleases my desires.

I am tirelessly curious about novelties, about civic affairs and political events; I eagerly seek the satisfaction of my love of knowledge in science and art, and in ways of getting things I want to possess. But the study of the law of God, the knowledge of God and of religion, make little impression on me, and satisfy no hunger of my soul. I regard these things not only as a nonessential occupation for a Christian, but in a casual way a a sort of side-issue with which I should perhaps occupy my spare time, at odd moments.

To put it shortly, if love for God is recognized by the keeping of His commandments (If you love Me, keep my commandments, says our Lord Jesus Christ), and I not only do not keep them, but even make little attempts to do so, then in absolute truth the conclusion follows that I do not love God That is what Basil the Great says: “The proof that a man does not love God and His Christ lies in the fact that he does not keep His commandments.”

Go to Part 2 of 4

F.A.T.L.

It's common or Christian leaders to use the acronymn "F.A.T." for disciples - it stands for:

Faithful
Available
Teachable.

But I add the "L."  This stands for loyalty.

It means: Loyalty to God and loyalty to me, especially if they call themselves friends. A person I am discipling or an intimate friend - from both I expect loyalty.

Christ had the same expectations of His friends, but He knew it could not be done without the Holy Spirit.  He extended grace and forgiveness to Peter and all His disciples who betrayed Him in His most crucial hour. But He states, "He who denies me before others I will deny before my Father" Matthew 10:33.

This past weekend I heard yet another story of Christians crucifying Christians, again on a grand organizational and personal scale, while at the same time preaching publicly to love others.

I was sick to my stomach.

Loyalty.
Duty.
Honor.

Those who make mistakes may need to be confronted, but not the way Christians so often do it.  So often the Church opens itself to lawsuits, because of slander and firing without due process.

So often Christians friends betray each other - my teenage children have yet to understand how cruel Christians can be.  How often we have to forgive. 70x7, which mathematically means infinity in this Hebraic idiom.

If you have been betrayed by a Christian friend, family member, or missions organization, recognize that you can turn to the loving arms of your Heavenly Father, who weeps with you.

Fight to hear not the cruel words ringing in your ears, but His...

...still...small...voice...speaking...to...you.

On the days that you are weak, fight.
On the days you are strong, fight.
On the days you are lukewarm and apathetic, fight.

Fight to hear His voice and see His presence in your life always.

Keep a "fuzzy file" of kind words, emails, that loving, kind, and loyal friends send to you. Read and re-read these words.

Loyal friends are ones who gently confront while assuming the best of you, and confront you with grace AND truth, who confront quickly, gently, kindly, privately.  This increases trust and demonstrates loyalty.

To have such a friend or group of friends is like having diamonds - special, valuable, beautiful, worth keeping, worth pursuing.

F.A.T.L. - both to our Father in Heaven and to me.

Thank you to true friends from different countries and times of my life... Neal, Emma, Lenneke, Martin, Joyce, Brian, Debbie, Jean, MaryEllen, the Coconut Club, Louie, Tiffany, Lisa, Tim S., David and Mary, Graham and Pat.

I am blessed.

Love in Narcissistic Family Systems

It's hard to discern the truth in a narcissistic family system.  The definition, understanding, and demonstration of love and respect are different from how other (normal) families define, understand, and demonstrate love and respect.

If one is trying to break free and develop different patterns of relating to others with love and respect, it requires an understanding of how true love and true respect are demonstrated in a family system.

Narcissistic family systems are clinically abnormal. A friend recently described such a system as a 24/7 "clinically crazy' system.  It's not a set of relationships that typically rejects the one trying to break free, but rather tries to continually mold every member into the acceptable way of relating that keeps the status quo within the family system.

The truth is about this system is that it very likely cause pain and unmet expectations to the one breaking free.  There may be ongoing loss  and grief over what is desired but can never be.

So there are several responses or action steps that can be taken when working through understanding how to give and receive true love in a family system.

1. Learn what true love and respect looks like between brother and sister, brother and brother, sister and sister, adult parent and adult child, and so forth. Learning in this case does not mean just reading a book. Some things can never be gained from a book.  Some things have to be demonstrated and modeled. Get around family systems who are truly loving, not manipulative, and do not communicate with coded messages.

Watch them.  Eat dinner at their house. Make sure to spend time with them the hour before company arrives to see how they treat each other under stress.  Listen to their stories and what they laugh about. Notice how the husband and wife treat each other, even in the moments when they are relating about every day things.

2. Begin to catalogue all the ways you respond differently, or how your life experience is different.  Make a note of what brings you to tears when you watch movies and see loving relationships.  What touches your heart?  These are areas of relational need not met possibly due to the lack of understanding in your narcissistic family system.

3. Make a list
Write down after each time you leave your family event of what was said or done that was hurtful, but at the same time, make a list, as ruthlessly as possible, of what was good. Many times, those caught in a narcissistic family system but are not the actual narcissist do not realize what narcissistic patterns are being perpetuated.

4. Realize this all takes time. 
It helps to leave the narcissistic family system for an extended period of time - years even, because this helps you begin to really solidify what is good, authentic, healthy ways to show love and engage in conflict, and to see what your issues are and what you need to work on.  It helps you do something called "differentiation."  This is a healthy separation from those closest to you.  Peter Scazerro has a good description of differentiation in his book, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality." This will help you see what your goal is for what you want to grow towards for maturity, especially in interpersonal relationships.

5. Learn appropriate boundaries.
Christians can be quite spiritually abusive, especially Christian narcissistic family systems.  Learn what healthy boundaries are in all sorts if ways...in communication, in expressing one's opinions and thoughts, and how to engage in conflict. Christians often resort to the "because Jesus suffered, you can suffer to;" or "we've learned how to love unconditionally" without acknowledging how abusive and hurtful the narcissist has been.

Unconditional love can still name reality (good and bad) accurately.  Unconditional love is balanced with gracious truth-telling. But these are not qualities that generally characterize a narcissistic family system.

Do you see a pattern in these action steps?  

These really are more awareness issues. Action steps do not have to be physical action - they can also be issues we become increasingly aware of...increasing our awareness of what we need to be aware of.

Become more aware of what the good is and where and how your interpersonal relating patterns diverge.  This will show you what you need to heal from as well as work on.

But be encouraged! 

You can learn new skills of relating that are authentic and meaningful, and communicate true love.  You can also learn how to receive true love and not interpret other's actions with suspicion.