Discerning the Reason for Tears

The Biblical discussion of discernment includes Hebrews 5:14.

"But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil."

So what is discernment? Heschel defines it as:

"knowing what you see, not seeing what you know."(1)

A deep spiritual principle is that as one is transformed more closely to Christ, it becomes even harder to discern good from evil. This is counter-intuitive.

But Paul teaches in 2 Cor 11:14 our enemy disguises himself as an angel of light. Those who see God's light more clearly have to discern light from Him as opposed to light from our enemy.  That which appears good may in fact be the enemy of the excellent. Our enemy is not opposed to using that which is good for his own deceptive ends.

The enemy doesn't bother which such tricks with those who are not really a threat. In risk, discerning good from evil is at times not easy.  Reality is confusing, and discernment of reality in the midst of threats and confusion is a crucial skill.

So we need to practice our ability to discern good from evil in all areas. One way to do this is described by Watchmen Nee:

Our ability to know the spirit in another person does not come from books, or from the experiences of older saints, but from our personal dealings before God. It may be that you sense something moving in another's spirit and feel uneasy about it; yet you fail to know why it is so. This is because the spiritual judgment you may have acquired thus far is inadequate." 

But at that point, we can pray and ask God to reveal the reality of reality, and He may deem us ready for it at that time. According to Watchmen Nee, in his book, Spiritual Discernment,  part of discernment is being able to see behind someone's tears and understand why they are crying.

"We need a workable spirit by which to diagnose another's spirit...The more dealings we receive before God, the more discernment we will have.

Spiritual insight is different from picking out faults in yourself or in another. You must not just sense it, you must also be able to explain it.

In the case of weeping, is it because of self-love, because of pain, or because of being broken by God?...Some people do not know how to weep. This is due to their lack of feeling."

When someone is crying, it is helpful to discern what the root reason for their tears is instead of assuming you know.

In other words, do not be easily swayed by tears. 

This doesn't mean to develop a callous heart, but sometimes we can be fooled into believing a person is truly repenting when they instead are crying because they were "caught."

When someone is crying, it is better to simply ask, "Why are you crying?" to elicit information for you and for themselves. It's possible a person doesn't know why they are crying! However, just because you ask, doesn't mean they will be able to be honest. Some are embarrassed for why they are crying.  We need to become trustworthy people, people of sanctuary, of quiet presence, for others to be able to let down their guard and reveal their innermost hearts.

As a friend you can help them engage in self-reflection so they can figure out the reason for their tears.

1. Actual grief over sin leading to repentance.
2. Deep emotion - extreme anger, sadness or grief, something or someone beautiful or awe inspiring
3. Oops! I got caught.
4. Physical pain

Can you think of another reason people cry not included here?


(1) Abraham Joshua Heschel, The Prophets.