Living Behind the Veil

I'm often asked what I wear in Afghanistan and what it's like to wear a veil. It's freedom. Freedom to have a bad hair day, freedom to arrange my chadar to conceal the curve of my breasts and backside, freedom to not be an expatriate for a little while. It means freedom to hide even on the street from the Afghan men's eyes which seem to strip me naked.
When I relax my shoulders and walk less purposefully, less confidently, my eyes downcast and covered by sunglasses, I pass for an Afghan woman. I hear the men whisper in Dari, "Is she a foreigner or local woman?" I chuckle but am silent. On the street, I'm also a free target....freely exposed to groping, sexual innuendos whispered to me as a man bicycles by, free to have stones thrown at me, freely seen as no one's wife, daughter, sister, mother, friend, or boss. I step inside my gate, and remove my chapan and chadar. Now I'm someone's boss, motherhood returns to me as little steps run to greet me, and I receive a kiss from my adoring husband. Now I'm free to his loving and gentle eyes which know and enjoy my curves, free to once again be under the protective umbrella of being a wife, mother, friend, colleague, boss, niece, sister, daughter, woman.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Layers of Fig Leaves: Profile of a Narcissist

Sadly, an evilness causing great woundedness to many people is narcissism. Awareness of narcissism, the profile of narcissism, and patterns of abuse and wounding, as well as skills for de-escalating responses to narcissists helps cut through the fog and crazy cycle of narcissism.

The following are highlights from a variety of resources, many are secular, but interestingly, the secular approach intersects quite often with those who are Christ-followers.

Definition of Narcissism
"As I have said in a previous article (Lopez De Victoria, 2008, para. 3), “narcissism, in lay terms, means that a person is totally absorbed in self. The extreme narcissist is the center of his own universe. To an extreme narcissist, people are things to be used."

Narcissism Begins With Significant Emotional Wounding (Quote from Lopez De Victoria)
It usually starts with a significant emotional wound or a series of wounds culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment. No matter how socially skilled an extreme narcissist is, he/she has a major attachment dysfunction and massive abandonment issues.

The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood. He/she became emotionally stuck at the time of his/her major trauma of separation/attachment. In my work with extreme narcissist patients I have found that their emotional age and maturity corresponds to the age they experienced their major trauma. This trauma was devastating to the point it almost killed them emotionally. The pain has never totally gone away and the bleeding is continuous.

Protective Barrier of Narcissism (Quote from Lopez De Victoria)
In order to survive, this child had to construct a protective barrier that insulates him/her from the external world of people. He/she generalized that all people are harmful and cannot be trusted. The protective insulation barrier he/she constructed is called a false persona. He/she created a false identity. This identity is not the true person inside.” With the creation of a false person the real person inside practically disappears. As he/she grows older, the false person hardly knows that real person any longer.

Difference between Cunning and Smart - Narcissists are cunning
The narcissist usually starts the fight, and their apology can be mistaken as empathy and love. The romantic notes of apology are cunning and manipulative so as not to get caught. Narcissists are incredibly cunning - the inversion of wisdom. But in relationship with others, they have issues of attachment disorder, abandonment issues, and severe rage and do not know how to get close to another. 

Romantic Relationship with a Narcissist:
The women who have gotten out of narcissistic relationships and are making you tube videos consistently talk about this: 
  • Honeymoon/Idolize Phase
  • Devalue Phase
  • Discard Phase
Is There Some Relationship Between Demonic and Psychological Treatment?
There seems to be alignment between therapists and the lay people teaching about this, that therapy doesn't work, ESPECIALLY if the narcissist bamboozles the therapist.  The Therapist MUST recognize the narcissist and deal with him/her.  Often the Narcissist knows how to respond with humility, shame, and the right words while in session, but in the car, turn back into the monster they really are. Therapy tends to make a bigger, empowered monster. The therapist/treatment often helps the narcissist blame the victim as the primary problem, the one who is reacting irrationally.

The Catholic, Protestant, and secular sources tend to all agree that there is very little that seems effective with narcissists. Narcissists and co-dependents cannot be worked on together. They must be treated separately.

However, what would happen if a Ministry of Reconciliation approach was applied to a narcissist? Is it even possible to have a narcissist admit to lies and the truth that they are NOT such an incredible person? I would be interested to know if this approach can work, but the challenge is to get to the actual truth, because the layers of fig leaves are so thick.  It's hard to get past all the layers of false self to the real self.

The descriptions I've heard of rage of narcissists, my own experiences with narcissists, as well as reading about narcissism is that it sounds quite demonic. Secular people around the world talking about narcissism and their experiences with these people are "evil", "scum", "have nothing to do with them."

The Narcissist Is the Idol aka They Con the Church
They can be pastors, ministry leaders, respectable people who in the car or the privacy of the home fly into rage at the smallest trifle, who have sexual addictions, substance abuse, and are secretly totally failures and ashamed of themselves. They are like a house that is being eaten by termites. After awhile they will not be able to stand up. One of their final acts is to shun those who will not bow to the image they project. They themselves are the idol and they want to kill those who stand in their way and don't "bow" to their projected image. They are filled with rage.They cover with spiritualized fig leaves to try to deflect attention from themselves.

Helpful Resources

Articles

Book
Dr. M. Scott Peck, People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil 
Henry Cloud, Necessary Endings, Chapters 5-6 
Aydin Guner, The Devil in I 
Aydin Guner, Behind the Mask: An Introduction to Covert Narcissism
I haven't read these books by Aydin Guner, but he does have a youtube video here:  he also uses the word "evil" and "stay away for them."

Youtube:

Narcissist Devalued Me
50 Symptoms of Narcissistic Abusers - an excellent raw video of a therapist sharing his personal experiences with a female narcissistic (fiance); not for minors; not entirely from a Christian viewpoint despite quoting from Acts

Break the Crazy Cycle
  1. Sometimes we have to totally disassociate from the relationships with the narcissist until we can get enough strength to respond with healthy responses and have time to heal. 
  2. Have a "functional" person listen to your side of the phone call, so that you can get feedback on how you are responding/interacting. 
  3. Separate all finances from the narcissist and do not have any other physical/financial ties to the narcissist.
  4. When you begin to break out of victimization, expect to be totally discarded or publicly shunned. 
  5. Develop a support network to help you walk on a daily basis back into the light of normalcy and healthy interpersonal interactions. 
  6. Understand that there is almost no success in the few Christian treatment programs in North America. There is little hope for the person you love.
De-escalating Responses
  1. Recognize you cannot out-power a narcissist so don't respond with the same energy, power, and negativity as them. 
  2. Agree with what you can agree with without defending yourself or catering to the narcissist's demands. 
  3. Choose the fewest amount of words to respond to the narcissist. 
  4. Side-step by choosing a soft and generic response that disarms them. 
  5. Do not respond to words they use, whether spiritualized or not. Jesus taught we always know the truth by the fruit we see in their lives. No fruit = no truth = no change, so have as little to do with them as possible. 
  6. Break off contact with them as much as possible. Don't react, but choose when you will respond to them on your timetable, NOT theirs.
It's really hard to choose the de-escalating response, because we are sick and tired of being accused, of assumptions being made and our character slandered, misunderstood, taken out of context, seen as "less then" the narcissist.  We want to be violent and hurtful back. Simply, we want revenge.

Narcissists are people, they are human, they are made in the image of God. But it is possible even for those who call themselves Christians to be demonically possessed with deep attachment disorder. Henry Cloud's book gives a clear guide based on his study of Proverbs on discerning those who are evil, those who are fools, and those who are wise.

Jesus'\ commands us to "love our enemies", because when the narcissist is someone close to you, someone you ought to love but who acts like your enemy, it is in reality much harder to love them, and much easier to love those who are clearly enemies, like the taliban or isis.

Breath in and breath out with the saints of 2000 years, "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, be merciful to me a sinner."


Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Risk and Decision Making, Part 2 "Emotional and Psychological Analysis"

In Risk and Decision Making, Part 1, I mentioned the four major areas influencing Decision Making for the Global worker in a high-risk situation: 
  1. Spiritual Analysis
  2. Emotional/Psychological Analysis
  3. Stewardship and Information Analysis
  4. Perceived Benefits and Losses
For each area, questions may be formulated to help in the progress of decision making about a risk. In the last post, I mentioned three main questions asked for the Emotional and Psychological Analysis:
  1. What are my strong emotions in this risk situation and what about the risk is impacting me the most? 
  2. How am I behaving in comparison to predicted behavior in risk? 
  3.  Which of the 5+ biases are influencing my decision making?
For the first question, we must primarily evaluate the level of fear and the level of anger being experienced. It is important (and surprising!) to be aware that:


Fear – appears to dampen efforts at risk mitigation. We feel paralyzed and overwhelmed. The Biblical admonition in English to “not fear” means in Hebrew to not turn into wax, to not be paralyzed, to not remain passively in fear.
Fearful people make pessimistic judgments about a hazard.

Anger – angry people make more optimistic judgments and more commonly think that the risks are much lower, that it won’t happen to us and that if it does, we can do something about it.

Lest we think that emotional analysis is overly psychological or spiritual, a good place to start with someone is to use H.A.L.T. – are they Hungry, angry, lonely, tired?  Sometimes, the world looks better after a good night of sleep or a nap. Sometimes in risk, we are not eating enough calories to fuel our body because we are so stressed. EAT! Eat something healthy as a spiritual discipline and endurance strategy, and you'll be able to handle your emotions better!

The second question, "How does my behavior compare to the predicted behavior in risk?" The problem with answering this question is that the secular psychological research indicates that we act out of our biases, and our biases are culturally dependent (varying between cultures) and also gender different. 

I would add to the complexity of interpretation that our approach to risk is also based on our cultural theology - the theology imported by the church we grew up in. "Cultural Theology" is a term I use to indicate some of our theology is (incorrectly) based on our home (passport) culture, the particular cultural values we impart to the text (roles of men and women, for example) based on how we choose to interpret and read the original text (not textual criticism but translation criticism!) 

Translation is always interpretation (can't remember who said that), but more and more I am dismayed when I see how the text has been translated far from the original Hebrew or Greek, due to the cultural-theological bias of the translators. While it sounds like I am transgressing from the point, I would like to point out that one of the main problems of resiliency for the cross-cultural worker in extreme high risk is a theological problem, not a white male problem (see the bias mentioned below).

I am indebted to Glynis Breakwell for all of the following discussion on risk, from his book, The Psychology of Risk. Secular psychological research is of great value to the church, and we ignore it to our peril. However, there is little research on the effect of the Holy Spirit on people's behavior in uncertainty.  There is some research on the role of belief and effect on behavior in uncertainty. Do keep in mind that the majority of the research is based not on cross-cultural uncertainty but more on business risk, comparisons of the threat of impact of natural (and terrorist or manmade) disasters, and gambling. 

So with that caveat, here are some general guidelines for leadership and member care workers that we can consider utilizing to explore the decisions that need to be made in risk: 
  1. Look for extremes - either of denial of the risk, overly optimistic about the risk, or overly pessimistic of the risk. 
  2. Be aware of what researchers describe as "the white male effect." The research is solidly conclusive that white males perceive the risk as much lower than all other groups (women and other culture groups).
  3. Too focused on primarily one aspect of the risk - perhaps they are not taking into account a holistic risk analysis (See the RAM Action Guide for more).  
For the third question, what are the primary "biases" people can have? These include: 
  1. Using Data that is appropriate, based on one's "biases" for or against the risk. This means choosing to cite data that is equivalent in nature. A common major error cross-cultural workers make is to compare two data sets that are unrelated. For example, the traffic accident rate in an international city compared to terrorist attacks against Christian expatriates. These two data sets are not comparable, and the terrorist attack is not as statistically predictable as the traffic accident rate.  It's important to ascertain if there are statistical associations between Data Set A and Data Set B.  Note that people incorrectly assume patters occur in what are truly random events. We also need to learn to handle the information - is it actually predictive in nature?
  2.  Ability to remember - people assume the probability is higher that an event will happen if they can remember an instance of the event. So we can easily have predictability bias. If we are pre-occupied with a personal major fear of a certain hazard, we rate it as higher probability that it will happen. We also perceive higher probability if we can easily imagine it happening!  If the social situation (media, church back home) says it can happen, we fear it more and think it will more likely happen.  The problem with this is we become consumed with something that does not necessarily have in reality as high of probability of happening as we perceive.
  3. First piece of information: we rely too heavily on the first piece of information offered, "anchoring" all of our risk perception and thought about this.  Instead we need to adjust based on additional data coming in, and not the first piece of data.
  4. Egoism - we tend to view ourselves as engaging in less "risky" behavior as others, and that others are more likely to experience negative consequences. It is a form of denial, that "it won't happen to me."
  5. Hindsight Bias - this is when something negative happens, and we say after the event, “I knew that all along.”Typically people given information about an event after it occurs will say and think that they could have or did predict it.We engage in what researchers call, "meta self-delusion" because we feel that we have a greater sense of control over the future when we can feel we predicted the past.
Hopefully, using the awareness of how humans have responded in risk studies, we can become more self-aware of how we are reacting, and use this awareness as a guide to asking ourselves honest questions in the risk situation.  Asking - and answering - honestly, with authenticity, and inviting the Holy Spirit to give clarity as to when we are deceiving ourselves. 

Jeremiah 17:9 states, "The heart is more deceitful than anything else and mortally sick. Who can fathom it?"

Future discussion: Prospect Theory: An Analyis of Decision Under Risk by Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman 

 




Sunday, September 18, 2016

Risk and Decision Making, Part 1

A friend reminded me recently of a vow I had made almost thirty years ago based on Henri David Thoreau's quote from, "Life in the Woods:"
 I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.
When it comes to faith-based decision making in risk and uncertainty, there are several key quadrants that must be paid attention to understand all of risk. Not paying attention to the following areas will result in less understanding of what is happening both from a global perspective as well as an individual perspective. The areas are complex and overlapping.

The following is a synthesis from both a Theology-of-Risk approach,(1) as well as utilizing and adapting the research from well over 1000 studies on the emotions and human behavior in risk.(2) 

Decision making in Cross-Cultural Risk and Uncertainty include awareness and analysis in four  broad categories:
       
      Spiritual Analysis
  1. What does the Holy Spirit seem to be leading me, my family, and my team in - staying in and moving towards more risk or leaving? (Evaluate the 7 ways the HS often leads in risk)
  2. The inner self in relation to God; Am I moving towards God or away from Him? What seems to be my core question of God in this risk situation?
  3. The inner self in relation to others and self; Am I increasing in faith, love and hope?
  4. In what ways do I/we see the heavenly realm participating in this risk situation? (i.e. Demonic opposition?)
  5. What is the most strategic decision we could make right now? 
      Emotional/Psychological Analysis
  1. What are my strong emotions in this risk situation and what about the risk is impacting me the most? 
  2. How am I behaving in comparison to predicted behavior in risk? 
  3.  Which of the 5+ biases are influencing my decision making?
     Stewardship and Information Analysis
  1. Do I have enough and the right kind of information to make a decision in risk? 
  2. Have I done enough evaluation of the data and my staff/families?
  3. What have I identified that I cannot know or will remain uncertain?  
  4. Based on the information I do have, what and how am I being called to steward?
  5. What does "stewarding the information" look like in this risk situation?
  6. Who should give input on the decision, who makes the decision, who can veto the decision? Who needs to be informed about the decision?  
      Benefits and Losses (Risk Framing and Prospect Theory)
  1. What are the potential value of losses and gains using the analysis above?  
  2. How is the risk being "Framed"?
  3. What "mental models" is the person bringing to the decision-making? 
  4. How is "confirmation bias" informing the decision-making? 
  5. Group Decision-making


1. Hampton, Facing Danger. My book is necessarily brief on the topic of decision making, as it is geared to those in the middle of risk who often don't have time to wade through complex psychological research. I'll unpack the complexity in following blog posts.

2. Breakwell, The Psychology of Risk. Breakwell cites a lot of the research, and has the most comprehensive summary of decision-making and emotions on risk. However, other key researchers will be cited throughout.


Saturday, September 17, 2016

It's Still a Privilege 1994 - 2016

We didn't yet know each other, but at the same time began raising support for full-time ministry work. He was heading to Albania to fly airplanes, and I was heading to work with teenagers, leading trips all over the world. It was September, 1994 when we met at the same speaking event.

In the years that followed, we had a courtship that spanned three continents and resulted in marriage in March, 1999.

We had to evacuate Peshawar, Pakistan two days after 9/11, and ended up back in the States. While there, I gave birth to our second child, our beautiful daughter. We waited to see if we would be able to return to our home in Peshawar, with the hopes that one day we'd be able to move back to Kabul.

During that waiting, we wrote the following on Dec 10, 2001, to our supporters:


However, Neal and I want our personal world view of the work we do and our own life choices and calling to be one characterized with the mindset that it is an honor to serve Him as His children. The joy of having the opportunity to see Him work on the front lines of the "battle field for souls" far outweighs any personal sacrifices we make.  

 So few people get the opportunity to do what we do, as well as the honor to be able to live in one of the most religiously strict and needy countries of the world today. We agree with our overseas colleagues that it IS a privilege to serve the people in Central Asia, and we ask Him often that the way will be smooth for us to return in early April.

We were so thankful to arrive back in Peshawar in early May of 2002, and then return to Kabul June 1, 2002. 

Our vision hasn't changed - it is still a privilege to live and serve in the Middle East.