How I Survived 8 Months With My 3 Children in Lockdown In a War Zone

Kabul, Afghanistan

It was the fall of 2008, and Gayle Williams had just been killed (1) by "The Vampire of Kabul" Gulbadine Hekmatyr. (2)  Within a few hours, all foreigners went into lock down, meaning no walking on the street.  Non-essential staff were to stay home (women and children especially).  All students were immediately returned from school back to home.

We were also required to have planned randomized departures for work for "essential employees" (i.e. my husband) , try to send our guards for any shopping, and avoid going anywhere out of our homes. It was shortly determined the lock down would continue until Spring. Presidential elections were looming 8 months later.  Depending on how the election went, our lock down could continue. 

So, there I was, looking at 8 months of lock down in the war zone of Kabul, Afghanistan.   I knew immediately it would take something extra, some special awareness and focus to make it through for me and for my children without long-term psychological problems for all of us. 

How could I do this with joy out of serving my Heavenly Father through this?  

• He gave me no promises that we would live through the lock down. 
• He gave me no promises that we'd all survive. 
• He did not promise we wouldn't be kidnapped or killed.

But He did promise to be with us.

There is no simple "right" answer or one-size-fits-all for living through lock down.  I tend to reject banal simplistic conceptual spiritualized answers that don't really answer the practical questions of lock down in risk.  (i.e. "God is sovereign", "He is in control" etc.....yes, I know these things, but that doesn't answer the lock down question and stays on the surface of the problem).

The risk question is situational and demands a practical AND theological response.

I testify that it IS possible:

• to do well,
• to love well, 
• to serve well, 
• to relate well, 
• to glorify God well in lock down situations. 
• It can be done with joy and supernatural peace. 
• Lock down and quarantine can be lived through with supernatural joy - joy even when things are not going well.

So let's try to break it down into helpful pieces:

What's Normal? 

Isolation, loneliness, sadness, grief, loss, mild depression, and more are all common experiences, even when you do your best, and are nothing to be ashamed of. 

In the case of Covid-19, we are globally collectively experiencing many of these things. Almost none of us (except perhaps the very rich) are able to escape.

All of a sudden, the Church has woken up to the reality of isolation.  Wouldn't it be great if church people could somehow "connect the dots" that what they are feeling during a very short time in their home culture is what Global Workers feel much of the time in a foreign culture?  What a helpful thing would be to more effective shepherding of global workers! 

There are numerous tools available to help with isolation, loneliness, sadness, grief, loss, depression and more.
  
See  
MMCT, (English, Spanish, Korean, French)
Sentwell.org, 
Barnabas International Resources

for access to numerous resources on this. Recognize that what you are going through is normal.

Maintain Perspective:
Gift - lock down is a gift. It is a gift to detox from our normal routines and demands of daily life, and focus on less things and people.  Focus on what truly matters if you were to die tomorrow. 

Recognize Emotions - Recognize that whatever emotions you are feeling, these are normal.  Anger, shock, fear, uncertainty, etc.  Let these emotions drive you to God, not to numbing activities. 

See what God is doing -  What is he doing to transform you more into His likeness? What is He doing to put you in touch with neighbors you rarely talk with? Where is He working near you to draw people to Himself?


Steward your body, relationships, (Don't die with unresolved issues) - It's easier to maintain eternal perspective when you pay attention to stewarding yourself so you have the margin and energy to pour out to others. 

Categories to Pay Attention To and Steward : 

Physical Health

Emotions

Mental Health

Relationships

Spiritual Vitality
Environment

One of the most important things for good mental health is paying attention to our environment. 

What I mean by environment is the sounds, site, smell, and taste.  Make your home inviting and clean. Light some candles and make it cozy.  Bake some cookies or good smelling scents.  Take time to bake or make something delicious as often as you can.  Turn on some worship music in the morning, and fun music in the afternoon. Make this environment an enjoyable place for all members of the family. 

I took time on a daily basis to have a quiet moment reading my theology books and having an afternoon cup of coffee. I kept "mom's chocolate shelf" stocked (as did Neal) so that I could have occasional moments to myself. 

Neal would give me an hour break from the children or the night off. This helped me maintain my sanity. 

Work Through Conflict and Give Everyone Quiet/Retreat Time. 

We all need a break from each other, even extroverts.  Make a routine for the day, and include time for everyone to have alone time when they can read, nap, listen to music, or do something on their own.  

Try as best as you can to work through the conflicts of the day, because we don't know what tomorrow holds. Don't be afraid, however, to let emotions cool overnight and talk it through the next morning.  If you need help, please reach out - Neal or I are happy to help, especially if you are alone and isolated. I've also had friends who are counselors write and tell me they are available via secure video to help folks.

Recognize that Effort is Not enough:  There are 6 ethical postures we can try to rely on during a long-term lock down: Reason, principle, conscience, duty, absolute freedom, private duty. 

Reason and principle of right action are not enough.  We can allow our feelings to dictate what we do and ignore our conscience.  It is not absolute freedom, because there really is no such thing - we are constrained by Christ's calling.  Recognize that the only thing that will carry us through is Christ's love - His love for us and our desire to love Him back.  This is a free choice, not duty.

Check In With the Family 1-2 week. 
Even during this lock down, we are checking in with our teens to see how they are doing, what changes they want to make to do better during lockdown, what goals they have.  Check in with the emotional and mental health of your household members. 


Most Important? 

Eternal Perspective - This will pass, and the world is not ending.  There is still a task to do, to reach all the nations, so ignore all the Christians saying we are about to be raptured. 

Fun and Humor!  - have a laugh and go about your day, no matter what is involved in your day.

We found creative ways to make life fun for our children during lock down, including 4pm "Dance" time. This is the time when little children usually get a little crabby, so I used to make them stand on our coffee table and turn up the music really loud and dance!  

Make an "orange" meal, and try to list as many things that are orange.  Go crazy and have fun.  

Serious things are always coming ahead.   

Remember, God is in control, and He takes no pleasure in death, sickness, decay, and this pandemic has NOT taken Him by surprise.  He is faithful to never leave us in what He has called us to during this time.

Sources Cited: 

1. Gayle's Killing. Numerous sources on this, but I lived it in real time.

2. Hekmatyr is known as the "vampire of Kabul" (told to me, Anna, by Afghans themselves) and in press reports as the Butcher of Kabul. "Hekmatyar is responsible for deliberately slaughtering roughly 50,000 Kabuli civilians during his bombardments of the city during the extermination campaign westerners still quaintly refer to as the "Afghan civil war," that hellish ISI-wrought, Khomeinist-contested and Saudi- funded interregnum between the Red Army's massacres and the Taliban despotism" (Source)

"Hekmatyar stands out with an almost unparalleled record of human rights abuses. Aside from indiscriminate shelling of civilians, he is accused of assassinating intellectuals, feminists and royalists. His followers have run torture chambers in Pakistan and thrown acid at women." (Source)