It's hard to discern the truth in a narcissistic family system. The definition, understanding, and demonstration of love and respect are different from how other (normal) families define, understand, and demonstrate love and respect.
If one is trying to break free and develop different patterns of relating to others with love and respect, it requires an understanding of how true love and true respect are demonstrated in a family system.
Narcissistic family systems are clinically abnormal. A friend recently described such a system as a 24/7 "clinically crazy' system. It's not a set of relationships that typically rejects the one trying to break free, but rather tries to continually mold every member into the acceptable way of relating that keeps the status quo within the family system.
The truth is about this system is that it very likely cause pain and unmet expectations to the one breaking free. There may be ongoing loss and grief over what is desired but can never be.
So there are several responses or action steps that can be taken when working through understanding how to give and receive true love in a family system.
1. Learn what true love and respect looks like between brother and sister, brother and brother, sister and sister, adult parent and adult child, and so forth. Learning in this case does not mean just reading a book. Some things can never be gained from a book. Some things have to be demonstrated and modeled. Get around family systems who are truly loving, not manipulative, and do not communicate with coded messages.
Watch them. Eat dinner at their house. Make sure to spend time with them the hour before company arrives to see how they treat each other under stress. Listen to their stories and what they laugh about. Notice how the husband and wife treat each other, even in the moments when they are relating about every day things.
2. Begin to catalogue all the ways you respond differently, or how your life experience is different. Make a note of what brings you to tears when you watch movies and see loving relationships. What touches your heart? These are areas of relational need not met possibly due to the lack of understanding in your narcissistic family system.
3. Make a list
Write down after each time you leave your family event of what was said or done that was hurtful, but at the same time, make a list, as ruthlessly as possible, of what was good. Many times, those caught in a narcissistic family system but are not the actual narcissist do not realize what narcissistic patterns are being perpetuated.
4. Realize this all takes time.
It helps to leave the narcissistic family system for an extended period of time - years even, because this helps you begin to really solidify what is good, authentic, healthy ways to show love and engage in conflict, and to see what your issues are and what you need to work on. It helps you do something called "differentiation." This is a healthy separation from those closest to you. Peter Scazerro has a good description of differentiation in his book, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality." This will help you see what your goal is for what you want to grow towards for maturity, especially in interpersonal relationships.
5. Learn appropriate boundaries.
Christians can be quite spiritually abusive, especially Christian narcissistic family systems. Learn what healthy boundaries are in all sorts if ways...in communication, in expressing one's opinions and thoughts, and how to engage in conflict. Christians often resort to the "because Jesus suffered, you can suffer to;" or "we've learned how to love unconditionally" without acknowledging how abusive and hurtful the narcissist has been.
Unconditional love can still name reality (good and bad) accurately. Unconditional love is balanced with gracious truth-telling. But these are not qualities that generally characterize a narcissistic family system.
Do you see a pattern in these action steps?
These really are more awareness issues. Action steps do not have to be physical action - they can also be issues we become increasingly aware of...increasing our awareness of what we need to be aware of.
Become more aware of what the good is and where and how your interpersonal relating patterns diverge. This will show you what you need to heal from as well as work on.
But be encouraged!
You can learn new skills of relating that are authentic and meaningful, and communicate true love. You can also learn how to receive true love and not interpret other's actions with suspicion.
If one is trying to break free and develop different patterns of relating to others with love and respect, it requires an understanding of how true love and true respect are demonstrated in a family system.
Narcissistic family systems are clinically abnormal. A friend recently described such a system as a 24/7 "clinically crazy' system. It's not a set of relationships that typically rejects the one trying to break free, but rather tries to continually mold every member into the acceptable way of relating that keeps the status quo within the family system.
The truth is about this system is that it very likely cause pain and unmet expectations to the one breaking free. There may be ongoing loss and grief over what is desired but can never be.
So there are several responses or action steps that can be taken when working through understanding how to give and receive true love in a family system.
1. Learn what true love and respect looks like between brother and sister, brother and brother, sister and sister, adult parent and adult child, and so forth. Learning in this case does not mean just reading a book. Some things can never be gained from a book. Some things have to be demonstrated and modeled. Get around family systems who are truly loving, not manipulative, and do not communicate with coded messages.
Watch them. Eat dinner at their house. Make sure to spend time with them the hour before company arrives to see how they treat each other under stress. Listen to their stories and what they laugh about. Notice how the husband and wife treat each other, even in the moments when they are relating about every day things.
2. Begin to catalogue all the ways you respond differently, or how your life experience is different. Make a note of what brings you to tears when you watch movies and see loving relationships. What touches your heart? These are areas of relational need not met possibly due to the lack of understanding in your narcissistic family system.
3. Make a list
Write down after each time you leave your family event of what was said or done that was hurtful, but at the same time, make a list, as ruthlessly as possible, of what was good. Many times, those caught in a narcissistic family system but are not the actual narcissist do not realize what narcissistic patterns are being perpetuated.
4. Realize this all takes time.
It helps to leave the narcissistic family system for an extended period of time - years even, because this helps you begin to really solidify what is good, authentic, healthy ways to show love and engage in conflict, and to see what your issues are and what you need to work on. It helps you do something called "differentiation." This is a healthy separation from those closest to you. Peter Scazerro has a good description of differentiation in his book, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality." This will help you see what your goal is for what you want to grow towards for maturity, especially in interpersonal relationships.
5. Learn appropriate boundaries.
Christians can be quite spiritually abusive, especially Christian narcissistic family systems. Learn what healthy boundaries are in all sorts if ways...in communication, in expressing one's opinions and thoughts, and how to engage in conflict. Christians often resort to the "because Jesus suffered, you can suffer to;" or "we've learned how to love unconditionally" without acknowledging how abusive and hurtful the narcissist has been.
Unconditional love can still name reality (good and bad) accurately. Unconditional love is balanced with gracious truth-telling. But these are not qualities that generally characterize a narcissistic family system.
Do you see a pattern in these action steps?
These really are more awareness issues. Action steps do not have to be physical action - they can also be issues we become increasingly aware of...increasing our awareness of what we need to be aware of.
Become more aware of what the good is and where and how your interpersonal relating patterns diverge. This will show you what you need to heal from as well as work on.
But be encouraged!
You can learn new skills of relating that are authentic and meaningful, and communicate true love. You can also learn how to receive true love and not interpret other's actions with suspicion.
